She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
