guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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