So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
