Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
