He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
