i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
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