I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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