i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
