Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Sorry my hands just texted you
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
3 2 1 whiskey
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
