his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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