Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
