No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Randomize
