i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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