walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
She bit a glass in half.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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