I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
