so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Randomize
