im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
