You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Randomize
