I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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