OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
