just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
