you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
did you just send me my own nude
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
