if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
