I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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