I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Randomize
