His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
