Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
