you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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