well I can't set my house on fire every night
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
