dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Randomize
