cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
