I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
