How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
