you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
