you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
