i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
