As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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