this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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