Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
