in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
