2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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