well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
