Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
You've changed since you got that strap on
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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