I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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