I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
She needs sedatives and a leash
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
