Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
