He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
