Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Randomize
