please come you make the beer taste better
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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