"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
