I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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